LOVE IS ALL; LOVE IS EVIL

It comes as no surprise to anyone even marginally culturally aware that body image and weight are two huge issues in a woman’s life (not to discount men but as a female I’m going to talk about a woman’s experience).

Basic point: we never think we’re totally okay. The range of self esteem issues runs the gamut from the extreme (body dysmorphic disorder, self hate, self disgust) to changing the things we can and accepting the things we cannot (isn’t that what life in general is about?).

My point is that… although at 22 I have a much healthier body image than I did at 13 (even though at 13 I had a more stereotypically ideal body than I do now), I’m of course not 100% okay with everything about myself physically. I think it’s something that comes with age and experience and maturity. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I think it also to an extent comes from the validation of men (probably because we’re socialized to believe that our attractiveness is dependent upon their approval).

It saddens me to nonchalantly hear people make negative comments toward themselves and their bodies. And it saddens me even more to hear comments that play into the mainstream idea of what’s accepted as beautiful.

“All these women have better bodies than me.” re looking at Halloween costumes online

“She’s skinny and that’s all men really care about.” re attractiveness

And, trust me, I know it’s difficult not to compare yourself to other people and I compare myself all the time. I feel insecure about certain parts of my body and I try to eat right and to work out because it makes me feel better about myself by my own standards. But there are certain things about my body - my height, bone structure, fat distribution - that are immutable; they’re genetic. So much pain and insecurity comes from hating your body. The lack of confidence and self esteem leads to insecurity and jealousy and negativity and resentment. It’s a slippery slope. And it’s exhausting.

And why are people so convinced that their body is abnormal or ugly? Is it because you essentially see one body type splattered across magazines, in movies and on TV? While that is a big influence and it can be frustrating to be constantly surrounded by a seemingly impossible level of thinness, the truth is that when you look at the women around you - at your work, school, gym, grocery store - you will see that every single person’s body is different. And there is no “right” or “wrong”, there is not a definable category for “attractive” and “unattractive” because beauty is subjective.

Saying that when it comes to attractiveness the only quality a man prioritizes is thinness is just blatantly untrue. What is thin to one man is normal to another. What is chubby to one man is normal to another. Every one perceives others differently. My girlfriends and I aren’t all attracted to the exact same guy. We don’t notice the same traits. Sometimes a friend will point something out about a guy that I didn’t even notice because it’s not on my radar of priorities in relation to men. (I have a friend who is obsessed with good teeth and sometimes will make comments to which I think who cares?) And the same is true for men toward women. There is someone out there for everyone. Some men will do a double take for a blonde, others a brunette, others a redhead. Some men won’t look twice at a girl with a pixie cut while others think it’s adorable. Some men rule out all women with tattoos and piercings, for others they’re basic criteria. Some men like small breasts, others like just a handful, still others like bigger breasts. We’re all entitled to our preferences and we are allowed to make our own choices when it comes to who we date.

Is it true that maybe one day a guy won’t want to date you because he thinks you’re too fat? Probably. But maybe a guy won’t look at you when you walk down the street because you’re too skinny. Who knows? And more importantly, who cares?

Everyone has their own preferences and so you’re never going to be universally attractive; it’s an impossibility. And it’s a stupid naive thing to strive for.

You have the body you have and the real truth is that it’s impossible for anyone else to love it if you don’t love it. Your relationships with men will suffer because of those insecurities and it’s not worth it. Love yourself and believe your significant other when he says he loves your body and finds you sexy and beautiful and attractive. Because it’s true, to him. And it should be true to you too. Will everyone agree with that assessment? No. But who cares about everyone else.

I’m rambling but my point, I think, is that you have to love yourself and come to peace with the body you’ve been given. You have to learn to accentuate the good and minimize (no pun intended) the bad. Perfect doesn’t exist and neither does normal. Each one is unique. If you feel better a few pounds lighter or after you workout then do what makes you happy but don’t do it to fit into some whack ideal, do it because it makes you feel good about yourself.

But does it only make you feel good about yourself because you’ve already internalized the image of what kind of body should make you happy?

Wow, um… that I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe it’s so deeply entrenched in our psyche and in our culture that what we stand up for as beautiful is just a projection of an internalization of societal pressures and expectations.

Either way I do know this: loving yourself will make you happier and more confident which will lead to happier and healthier relationships and less stress and anxiety about self esteem and self worth which will minimize jealousy and resentment.

And the real truth is this: when you find someone worth your time and someone who is intelligent and makes you laugh and is engaging and enjoys your company and your jokes and your intellect… that’s what matters. I’d be lying if I said that physical attractiveness plays no part but blonde vs. brunette loses importance when it comes to the substantive things that affect your day to day life and that you really need in a partner.

Although if we’re talking about, for example, a one night hook up void of interest in personalities then… thinness is the norm. It’s what’s talked about and what is openly accepted and perpetuated. It’s inescapable and it’s intimidating. But… does that mean that it’s what all men find attractive? Certainly not.

This issue is way more complex than I can handle right now and my mind just keeps asking more and more questions. Bed time.

Love yourself. Live your life authentically and I think you’ll be okay.

Someone out there thinks you’re beautiful… right?

G1

Last night I had a weird moment. Well… I guess I had an interesting weekend all around. Saturday night was the first night (since ending things with Eddie) that I went out and really felt 100% present. I was out and I wanted to be out and I was with people I love and I was having a great time. The drive home is always the time when I get to ruminate on the previous few hours and I can tell you right now: nothing good ever comes from those ruminations. But that’s a different story.

Anyway, last night I was in bed with my laptop looking into the files that I had transferred over from my PC. I hadn’t organized and integrated them into my Mac folders yet so they were all in .docx format buried away in some hard to reach location. Under my personal “Alanah” folder I have a ton of documents, both personal and work or school related. The majority of my personal things are kept under “Life stuff” and the particular document that I ran across last night was kept under the sub matter “Men”. You see, when I get upset or stressed or confused about something or someone I generally open up a word document and start typing, much as I am doing now. It’s easier to organize and keep track of my thoughts while I type versus talking to someone who might interrupt me or get me away from my initial point of argument. Obviously talking to friends is an integral part to understanding moments in life. Their opinions and unique experiences can always be of help. But my point is that sometimes I get so in my head or I feel like really only I can understand what I’m feeling or I just can’t be bothered to explain something from the beginning.

So, of course, from the past year I have several word documents typed out either in sadness or confusion or frustration or hurt about Eddie. And yesterday I opened and reread one in particular that I had forgotten about. It was written on May 2. Three days before I ran into him at Chupacabra after not having seen him or talked to him in three months. Three days before the start of the three month long destruction of any shred of self worth or self respect or dignity or faith or trust I had left in me. In it I started by writing that I missed him. Even after all this time I was still thinking about him and missing him. And then I proceeded, over three pages (maybe because I was scared I’d forget or maybe because it hurt so good to remember), to write out every happy memory I had of us. Every moment that made me feel close to him, every moment that made me fall in love with him. It was all written out in mini paragraphs. And reading it over was this weird sensation of four months boiled down to three pages of happy moments one after other all compounded.

It was hard to read, for obvious reasons. But I’m glad I wrote it because there were some things in there that I had forgotten about or hadn’t thought of in a long time. I already don’t have the best memory and although those happy moments are long gone I never want to forget.

I wrote it three days before I ran into him. Accident? Coincidence? Fate? Destiny? Randomness? God’s plan? Test of strength?

Can something so poignant be just happenstance?  

-G1

I broke up with my boyfriend of one year and eleven months two years and one month ago. Yesterday I made a comment about being single for two years and my roommate pointed out a fair point: that I haven’t technically really been single for two years. And, yes, that’s true. For that past year I haven’t been what you could mentally and emotionally call single. That’s what’s great about choosing to involve yourself with someone. It doesn’t matter if you actually exclusive or serious. All that matters is that you’ve made the mental decision to focus on that one person and by doing so you’ve closed your mind and your eyes, whether consciously or sub, to the existence of other people. For about a year I was single. The real kind of single. At first happy and alone and enjoying solitude and peace. I was finding myself and becoming okay again with being alone. Going from seeing someone everyday and spending every night with someone to being alone took some getting used to but I was so over being in my relationship that being alone was a welcome experience.

And then I moved into the phase, the next natural phase, of being single. I started going out and meeting people and making new friends and meeting guys and flirting and casually making out and sometimes having sex. It was nothing serious and at first I genuinely thought I had control of it. I felt that I was my own person and I was choosing to partake in these social situations. But then I started losing myself in the world of men and sex and going out. Until I decided that enough was enough. And then I met Stephen and had some kind of moment of idiocy (read moment of desperation) where I thought he could really be something and someone for me. But of course he wasn’t.

So my point is that then a year ago I met Eddie. And we were never outspokenly exclusive or boyfriend-girlfriend. But that didn’t matter for me. Because for the past year I’ve been closed off to what else exists. I’ve noticed and paid attention to certain people, in the interim. But in truth, it’s all just been an attempt to distract myself. I was in love, in unhealthy love, and I acted the part.

But now I’m single again. But not any kind of single I’ve been before. I feel as though I’ve been single for two years because to me the past year didn’t really count as being not single. It was the worst of both worlds. I wasn’t getting anything positive from having a relationship nor was I getting anything positive from single. Because I was neither in a relationship nor was I single. I was somewhere in this horribly unsatisfying middle. But now I’m actually legitimately single. No men, no prospects, no sex. I’m working six days a week, going to the gym. I’m keeping myself busy busy busy. Probably because if I stop I’ll realize I’m alone and then I’ll just get lonely and that’s sad and that leads to desperation which leads to pathetic-ness which leads to bitterness which leads to cynicism.

Not that I’ve over thought this or anything.

So now here I am. Feeling like I’ve been single for two years, bordering on losing hope. And yet, I really can’t say that I haven’t met anyone or that there are no men out there or anything like that because I haven’t been available for a year. So I can’t get cynical or angry or hurt. Because it’s no one’s fault but mine.

And Eddie’s. Always Eddie’s.

Learning to be single… again.

-G1

There was a time, somewhere between Stephen-Eddie-Daniel, when I went through phases of sighing very heavily and deeply. It passed when Eddie and Daniel passed. Eddie came back but the sighing didn’t. I was making a mistake and I knew it. No sighing was necessary. I knew the answers to all my Eddie questions, there were no illusions. There were no more feelings of I don’t know. I knew enough so that those were replaced by feelings of embarrassment and loss of dignity and self worth. I didn’t sigh heavily in confusion wondering what does this mean, what does he want. I felt sadness and confusion and desperation but it was because I didn’t know why he had come back into my life, why I was still hanging around for him to treat me like shit some more, why he was still hanging around me. Those were my questions, my confusion. But there was no sighing.

The sighing is back. It started last night and today I’ve noticed it more and more. I know that to most people I’ve had a very easy, unfairly uncomplicated and blessed life. And it’s true, my life has been very blessed. But I have my problems too. Everyone does. I had a bad night. I’ve had a bad year. A year which, just when I thought was over, I’m starting to realize has ramifications and consequences that will perpetuate far into my future. Eddie fucked me up. Self worth, trust, optimism, faith. All those things in relation to men he stole from me. I can’t see a situation in which I easily open myself up to a new relationship or to a new man. Eddie did a huge mind fuck on me and I’m slowing starting to realize how much its affected my attitude, body language, tone of voice… everything toward men. Everything. No one can fully understand. A year of hearing and receiving mixed messages. And sticking around because once it was good. Once it was going somewhere. At one point he was calling me everyday for two months asking me to go on a date with him. And then I did. And what did he do with that? Where did that get me? I fell for him because he made me fall for him. He did everything in his power to get to me, to convince me to fall for him. And then I did. And now what?

It’s been a rough year. Romantically. For me. And last night was a hard night. Beyond any disappointment, feeling of embarrassment, feeling of rejection. I feel like I can’t try. Like there’s no point in trying. Like it’ll lead to more disappointment and hurt and being led on and being lied to and being made to fall for someone who is then going to turn around and fuck me up.

But I have work to focus on, going to the gym, my friends. My friends. I love them. I worry about the people I love and I never want that to change. But after tonight. After the therapy sessions I had with two of my closest friends tonight I just don’t know how much more I can handle. I’m so worried about Amanda even though she isn’t worried about herself. My heart is breaking for Paula who is trying so hard to move on from her painful situation. I’m so worried and my heart is breaking and I have no time to stop and fix myself. Regain my faith and optimism and self worth. How am I going to develop a healthy relationship with anyone, let alone with a new man, when I’m not taking care of myself?

This probably sounds so self indulgent. I am under no illusions that I have a difficult life. I have an incredible life. But worrying about and being a therapist to my boyfriend for two years, Amy for two years, Amanda for twelve years… spending a year around someone as lost and fucked up as Eddie… I’m drained. I’m tired. But I can’t stop worrying. I want to help and somehow I can’t. All I do is end up making people feel bad about themselves because I somehow manage to throw all their insecurities and fears in their faces. And I’m just the bitch with the perfect life criticizing other people. I don’t know what to do for Amanda anymore. I walked away from Amy because I couldn’t handle it anymore. Her destructive behavior, her mood swings. It was affecting me. But Amanda’s been in my life for twelve years. I’m her only friend. I can’t walk away from her. I can’t. But I don’t know that I have the strength to support her, to help her. And I can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t help themselves, who has apathy toward everything in her life.

And what about me? When do I take care of myself emotionally and mentally? How do I begin to repair the slow, constant, numbing damage Eddie did to me?

-G1

Don’t get your expectations up or hopes is what everyone is telling me. And it’s good advice; it is. To be honest I don’t even know what I want right now in my life. I feel that I’ve been single for so long that I should take what I can get. But that’s settling and at 22 I refuse. Is he who I want? Do I want to be single? Or do I just think I should be? Does he want me? Why did he come back into my life? Why these incessant questions in my head? For the past month I had escaped all these questions. I had moved on from Eddie to no one. To focusing on myself. People say that timing is everything. Well the time of all this is all too eerie. Does it mean something? Why do I always try to find meaning in everything? Maybe it’s better not to. Maybe Adam’s right. But that goes against everything I’ve always believe so – why now? He lived without a trace of me in his life for the past four months. So why has he reached out to me now? Power? Friends? He has plenty of friends, he doesn’t need me as one especially considering of our past. So why? Why? I hate thinking. Everyone is telling me different things. If he wanted to date you he’d have contacted you by now. Maybe he wants to be friends before trying to date again. He probably just wants the satisfaction of knowing he can contact you. Maybe he thinks enough time has passed since your last conversation and so you can be just friends. These are all possibilities. Which one is the truth I have no idea. I’ll find out if I see him on Saturday or if I hear from him.

The truth is I’ve been just fine with him out of my life for four months. Those four months were terrorized by Eddie. And now they’re finally over. And I’ve come into the light. The past year has been worse than I realized as it was happening. Now that it’s over and I look back I’m beginning to see the emotional damage that’s been done. Especially by Eddie. No one else in my life, no matter how much I explain it or how close they are to me, will understand what I experienced with him. From the moment I first saw him to the last time I heard his voice. The size of this city let’s me know that the probability of running into him again in four months is very very high. Thankfully, the next time around I’ll have been down that path and I’ll know to turn away.

What I want in my life is to be happy on my terms. To do what makes me happy. I want to enjoy my friends, enjoy my work and take care of myself. I want someone who compliments me and fits into my life, not someone I feel I need to make adjustments for. And in lieu of that I want to be single. I’ve spent the past year asking questions and dating the wrong men. I don’t want to start another month doing the same thing.

There are one of two possibilities: either Daniel feels ready to get back into dating and possibly being in a relationship and therefore has reached out to me or he’s a complete idiot who has memory loss and has forgotten that four months ago I told him that I couldn’t be his friend because I liked him too much.

And so I want to know his deal so that I can either open myself up to him or I can cut him out of my life… again. I know people will tell me I don’t need to know his deal to take action. I’m aware. I don’t need to know what he wants to know what I want. But I do need to know if his outreach means more than just friends to know if I should open myself up to him. If I had no interest in him I wouldn’t have gone to Shangri-La to see him on Saturday. I do still like him and I am still attracted to him. I am open to the idea of dating, if that’s what he’s looking for. Otherwise, I have no interest in a friendship.

To be continued.

-G1

Maybe it’s because I’m happy smiley all the time, although I really don’t think I am. Or maybe it’s because my friends really love me and care about me. But, seriously, I’m fine. My face of seriousness and concentration is simply a face of pensiveness. It genuinely doesn’t stem from anger or sadness. It stems from a sense of… this may come out wrong but bear with me here, it stems from a sense of immense alone-ness. Only I have lived the past year that I have lived. There is not one else who can fully understand it. From Eddie to Daniel to Eddie to… I feel like I alone have all the facts and yet I am the most biased person to be making the calls about my own life.

I know that many people in my life will tell me to just play it by ear and see what happens. But what they don’t understand is that six months ago I did play it by ear and I did see what happened. And what happened was that two months later things ended because we wanted different things. Because our timing was different. In an explicit conversation I told him that I couldn’t be friends with him. And so this sudden gesture, whether it be just an extension of an olive branch or more, is already using up more of my thought process and giving me more of a headache than I care for. At this point in my life, with the year I’ve had in dating, I’d rather be single right now than have complicated in my life.

And yet I believe that everything happens for a reason. So why is he back in my life? Does it mean something? Is it because now the timing is different? Or is it just a test to see if I’m just as weak as I was six months ago?

He said let’s get together, let’s hang out, let’s meet up at the SUR show next week. Let’s, let’s, let’s.

Do I want to go down this path… again? Should I put an end to this now or, if he contacts me, should I go and see where it leads?

Once again: I don’t know.

-G1

Tomorrow’s the night. What can I expect but to have a good time with my friends, like I always do when we go out. And to have no expectations about anything else. There are a number of reasons why this is particularly difficult for me.

The last time Daniel and I spoke it was left very very clear that we liked each other but that I didn’t want to just date and that he did want a relationship. We talked about it in no uncertain terms and we parted ways agreeing to be just friends. The last time we saw each other was after he came back from a month in Virginia, after we had agreed to be “just friends”. He called me to catch up around midnight when I was out with friends. I had been drinking a little and he said he’d like to come out and see me. He’d like to come out on a Thursday night by himself downtown to see me. I was getting all kinds of mixed signals. I went home with him, we talked, we made out. In the morning he drove me back to my car. I was a mess of emotions and to be honest the days after I was just pure angry. I felt manipulated. I felt that he knew I liked him therefore he knew I was vulnerable and he shouldn’t have made such an exerted effort to see me. If he wanted to see me, really and truly as just a friend, he should have waited until there was a group event happening where I would know multiple people and we would hang out as just friends. Instead we went back to his place and all the lines started crossing again.

And so I can only imagine that he has invited me out to see him tomorrow for one of two reasons. Either he once again wants to try and be friends and hopes that enough time has passed for that to be possible or he has changed his position on wanting to date and/or be in a relationship and would like to see me again to maybe see if there’s anything still between us.

To be honest, I am not interested in the former. He really is a great guy but I don’t need a person in my life toward whom I have complicated feelings. I’ve been fine with him long gone from my life and I don’t want him back in my life sending me mixed messages. What I told him five months ago still stands: I’ve dated enough and I’m tired of going through it. I don’t want to wonder what his actions or texts or words mean. I don’t want to wait for his call or hope he reaches out. I’m tired of that and at this point in my life I only want one of two things: I either want to be single or I want to work towards a relationship with a man who wants the same thing.

Another reason I’m wary of seeing Daniel tomorrow is because it’s all a little too deja vu. In December when things between Eddie and I started crumbling I met Daniel and started dating him. Soon after the last time Daniel and I saw each other I ran into Eddie and we started sleeping together and seeing each other again. Now, one month after the last time I saw Eddie and have finally decided that things with him are over I’m about to go out to see Daniel.

I am fully aware of several things: you have to let things happen naturally, things happen when you’re least expecting them, if I over think the situation it will affect how I behave tomorrow night.

So with that said I will continue.

-G1

You are ___________.

I don’t understand you.

You called twice on Monday and I call you back and nothing. You had nothing to say? You did what I do and realized calling was probably not a good idea and so chose to not contact me again? I don’t get you.

But then again I don’t understand myself either.

Will you be back in my life soon? Ever? Never?

You know what the saddest part is of all this? Everything that’s happening to me I want to tell you about. If we had talked this week I would h ave told you about moving and my tattoo and the sing-a-long. But instead I talk to and tell all the other people in my life the same thing over and over and over hoping that if I get it off my chest enough times I’ll forget that you’re the only person I really want to talk to.

G1